The Poison Myth: Why Forced Forgiveness is Keeping You Exhausted

We have all heard the quote: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It is painted on wooden signs, shared in well-meaning spiritual circles, and offered as advice when we have been deeply hurt. Society, and often our faith traditions, place a heavy expectation on us to quickly forgive those who cross our boundaries. We are told that "letting it go" is the only way to prove we are good, spiritual, or healed.

But what if this pressure to forgive too soon is actually the very thing keeping your nervous system trapped in survival mode?

If you are someone who feels permanently tired but wired—stuck in that exhausting space between anxiety and collapse—this push to “just let it go” may be draining more of your energy than you realise.

The Trap of Forced Forgiveness

When someone has bullied you, broken your trust, or tried to exploit your boundaries, your body goes into high alert. Your nervous system is an exquisite, ancient alarm system designed by the Creator to keep you safe from harm.

When we pressure ourselves to forgive before our body has fully processed that threat, we are essentially gaslighting our own nervous system. Forcing yourself to keep the peace on the outside, while your inner world knows a boundary has been crossed, is a profound form of self-abandonment.

The true poison is not your anger. The true poison is overriding your own safety to make someone else comfortable.

Listening to Your Inner Protector

In my work as a somatic coach and occupational therapist, I look at the body through the lens of parts work. When you feel stubborn or unforgiving toward someone who has hurt you, you are not being rigid or hateful. You are hearing from a fierce protector part of yourself.

Anger is the body’s sacred fire. It is a messenger stepping forward to say, “A boundary has been crossed, and my wholeness is being threatened.” There is a massive difference between carrying toxic resentment—where you obsess over a person and let them steal your peace—and holding a clean, somatic boundary. A boundary simply recognises reality. It sees that a person is unsafe and builds a peaceful fortress. It gently closes the heavy wooden door and says, “You do not have access to my energy.”

Refusing to silence that inner protector just to keep the peace for others is not stubbornness. It is the highest form of self-love.

Loving from the Fortress

This can feel conflicting, especially if you have inherited the pressure to always "love your neighbour." We are often taught that to be a good person, we must quickly lower our drawbridge to people who are causing us harm.

But we forget the second half of that teaching: love your neighbour as yourself. You cannot truly love your neighbour if you are actively abandoning yourself. Even Jesus braided a whip and flipped tables when a sacred boundary was being exploited.

You do not have to invite toxic behaviour to your table in order to prove you have a good heart. You can acknowledge someone’s humanity, wish them healing, and pray they stop hurting people—all while staying safely inside your fortress. Holding a firm boundary is often the most loving thing you can do, because it refuses to enable destructive behaviour.

The Permission Slip

You do not have to choose between being spiritually grounded and somatically safe. They are the exact same thing.

If you are exhausted from trying to force yourself to feel a forgiveness that is not there yet, I want to offer you a permission slip today:

Forgiveness is a byproduct of feeling completely safe; it is never a prerequisite for it.

Stop trying to force the thaw. Instead, turn inward. Thank your fierce protector parts for keeping you safe. Focus on grounding your nervous system: put your feet on the earth, listen to the water, take a deep breath, and trust your body’s signals.

Once your body feels secure and your boundaries are held firm, that heavy, angry energy will begin to soften. Not because you forced it, but because you are finally free.

If you are ready to stop abandoning your own nervous system and start rebuilding somatic safety, I invite you to explore my upcoming 1:1 nature retreats in Carrick Castle or join our Reconnect to Wholeness community. You do not have to carry the heavy armour alone.