My healing journey started 4 years ago after a nervous breakdown at work. 

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Old wounds were triggered and an avalanche of responses flooded my nervous system leading to shut down. I was off sick for 4 months and now I consider this as one of my biggest blessings. It opened my eyes to the world of developmental and generational trauma, CPTSD and nervous system regulation. 

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'The Wisdom of trauma' movie (https://thewisdomoftrauma.com/access-video/) and work of Dr Gabor Mate resonated with me to the core. It touched me on so many levels and opened my eyes to a whole new world.

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And hunger was born. Hunger to be a part of the trauma awareness movement so others don't have to wait until their body stops them, but they can start helping themselves before it's too late.

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Trauma is not only what happened to you, but also what did not happen and most importantly, what happened inside you as a result.

 

​I've always sensed I was different from most people around me. I just seemed to have a non-existent sense of self-worth, or even sense of self. I thought I was broken. I was a product of my circumstances.  A chameleon, easily moulded people pleaser, rescuer, loner, blindly following authority, struggling to even form or express my own point of view.

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Under several masks of a seemingly happy child, teenager and adult was loneliness, anxiety, emptiness, and this enormous longing that could not be satisfied by food or entertainment -  I was starving for connection and being seen.  

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I always wondered why I couldn't remember most of my childhood. Now I know that my constant daydreaming was a form of dissociation - a form of self-regulation to escape what was painful.  I still remember the all consuming fear of thunderstorms and fire and the sleepless nights when I was sweating with fear, singing and praying for protection until I fell asleep exhausted.  

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I still remember continuously scrubbing the floors in an attempt to clean the shame of poverty and give myself a faint sense of control. I still remember how badly it hurt to love my father so much and see him continuously choosing alcohol over his family;  seeing my Mum working to the bone, completely sacrificing herself to keep the family afloat. The importance of food as her way of showing love.

 

I see the ocean of consequences that came with growing up mostly alone, often unprotected with a sense that I should rely mostly on myself.  As early as I can remember I didn't want to be a burden.  I don't remember family quality time, hugs or 'I love you's. I learned to keep all my feelings squashed inside me; became numb and disconnected from my body and emotions. 

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A quiet, polite and very independent little girl who turned into an extremely hard working perfectionist battling bulimia in my twenties, low mood, anxiety and fatigue in my thirties and finally waking up with a nervous breakdown in my forties. Unaware of my own needs and boundaries. Not knowing who I was and what I wanted. Disconnected from what made my soul sing.

 

But with the adversity also came courage, strength and determination. Under all of the CPTSD symptoms there was a big part of me that wanted to rebel against injustice and change the world. 

 

At 22 I left a little village in Poland to start a new life in London. I worked as an au pair and did night shifts in a nursing home for over 4 years.  I overcame bulimia on my own. I graduated with first class honours from Caledonian University and had 14 years of a fulfilling Occupational Therapy career in the NHS. I helped to build a house in Delhi's slums, visited the Taj Mahal, dipped in many icy waters and walked the West Highland Way. 

 

I became a mother and an intergenerational trauma breaker. I read many inspirational books, attended many courses and trainings and certified in Body Oriented Coaching. I had the courage to leave the city and a safe job to start a new life in the most beautiful rural location Carrick Castle, Scotland. 

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Now, I have the desire to share my healing journey and the tools that helped me to finally start reconnecting to my authentic self and find the strength, peace and belonging I always longed for.

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I believe that healing is a lifetime journey, but now I know how to look after myself and have the resilience to face anything life brings. More importantly, I found the love and compassion for myself that I was so longing for. 

 

It is my superpower. 

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